Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
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me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I don’t think my car can fly
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Sorry. Not sorry
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.