going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
You Might Also Like
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
im all 3
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.