The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
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My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want