Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
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Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?