[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
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*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Did I do this right
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
every. time.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.