me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
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Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
just leave it at the foot of the bed
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I’m having an out of money experience.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?