When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
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I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
im all 3
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.