Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
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me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.