Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
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Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
buying dead houseplants to save time
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket