kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
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Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)