Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
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°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.