[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
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Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.