We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
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me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed