I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
You Might Also Like
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Well well well…
Mad Max Arctic Road
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.