When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
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“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.