It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
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Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
WTF IS THAT!
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.