Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
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Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Natural selection at its finest
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.