*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
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“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.