I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.