How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
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Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.