One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
You Might Also Like
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker