“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
“No way.” -Jose
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*