[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
You Might Also Like
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I would move hell over six inches for you
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Teach your children to beatbox
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine