Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
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16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.