My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
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a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
getting corrected
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I am patiently waiting for your email
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.