Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
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There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.