Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
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Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped