[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
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I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
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Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?