That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
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If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit