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8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already