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*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.