I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
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love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of