My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
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I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Holy crap this is wonderful
I hope it’s French Onion!
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.