7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
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The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
The point of your 20s
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you