Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
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My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!