“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
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Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
No way!
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”