Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
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Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.