It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
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I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.