I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
You Might Also Like
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
You know…for fall…
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.