Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
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There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Brilliant!
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
So true for me
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal