The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
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You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
May never get over this
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.