Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair