date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
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I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”