I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
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me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…