Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
You Might Also Like
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!