Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
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I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
welp
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.