[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
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Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
The answer is funnier than the question
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
What the hell happened in there??
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?