Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
You Might Also Like
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.