Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
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guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.