Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
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Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
This will never not be funny to me.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals